Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
