Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
