I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
