hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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