I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
