allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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