If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
