Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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