i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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