Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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