i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
