Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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