i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
