Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Randomize
