I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
