i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
