i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
