We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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