I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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