it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
do nipples grow back?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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