We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
