Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
