my mouth tastes like poor choices
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
