Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
