Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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