Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
