I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
