glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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