The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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