Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
