You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
