You just made me feel so damn special
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
