i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
