The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
