I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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