my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
