Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
