Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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