Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
