You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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