She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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