I want to stick my p in your. b.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
