I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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