I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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