I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
