Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
