I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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