The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
