I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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