Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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